To the Court of His Imperial Majesty

[Iskander]

(Extract from a report filed under 'Works of Fictitious Nonsense By Disgraced Operatives Subsequently Put To The Torture And Fed To Crocodiles', recently uncovered by historians.)

Received by:
Imperial Office of Supernatural Investigation,
Rumor and Superstition Department
in the second year of the glorious reign of Emperor Tianqi (1622 - ed.)

Your humble servant offers utmost praise to His Refulgent Majesty's most worthy of ministers, and begs that Your Eminence spare a moment of your precious time to cast a glance over this unworthy missive.

Your servant was dispatched from the capital to this gods forsaken province in response to requests from the ignorant backwoods governor for assistance in the matter of alleged supernatural activity in the township of Kham Fau. The foolhardy populace would appear to have been deceived by unprincipalled charlatans into believing all manner of outdated superstitions relating to zombies, qing-shi, and other such nonsense. Your servant's mission was to debunk the activities of these criminals, present evidence of their theatrical activities to the incompetent governor, and raise taxes.

It is therefore with great trepidation that I must recount the activities which your most humble servant has seen with his own sorrow-begetting eyes. Please pardon your servant for any circumlocutions: did not Confucius say that a story must be told from the beginning?

The town of Kham Fau is cursed with not one, but two "Mystic Morticians" gulling the yokels out of good money to pay for their superstitious nonsense. Apparently there is not enough business for both of these greedy purveyors of gobbledegook: they are fighting over the rich pickings that Kham Fau's innocents afford them.

Your humble servant was watching a lackadaisical fellow by the name of Wu Qi, the assistant of one of the town's supposed "ghost slayers". This man, although admittedly blessed with a flawless physique and startlingly handsome, is nonetheless one of the laziest and most foolish louts your servant has ever observed, which is why the best place to oberve him was a wineshop. There his habitual method of procrastinating in his master's service was interrupted by the arrival of a newcomer, one Li Tu, claiming to be a "corpse escort", come to replace the services of the town's previous escort. (The wretch who used to occupy this position is now a notorious drunk, probably filled with remorse at the shameless way he stole from the locals.)

When Wu Qi's si-fu arrived, one Master Li, the idle assistant was sent packing to fetch sticky rice - allegedly a sovereign remedy for dealing with the undead. Preposterous. Your servant followed Wu Qi to the rice seller, where he was accosted by a significantly larger man with most impressive Khaw-dao.

It is here that your servant's suspicions that all is not what it seems in Khaw Fau were first aroused, for the apparently worthless apprentice proved to be a formidable fighter, and soundly drubbed his bull-like opponent. Your servant was most impressed by a flawless execution of "Field Mouse Climbs Grass Stalk", and then a remarkable impromptu technique your servant has taken the outrageous liberty of dubbing "Stunning Wind of Small Grains". In no time, the apprentice was standing over the unconscious form of the aggressor, insulting the rice seller's daughter and receiving a dressing-down from his long-suffering master.

It may seem to the worthy reader that such a display is no great matter, but your servant presumes to assert that such power is rarely displayed in one so handsome, or so indolent. It should also be noted that your servant was able to infer Wu Qi's prowess in the bedchamber from the length of time he spent in a nearby brothel and some of the extended and very indelicate sounds that issued therefrom.

Here, the report scroll is torn, after a note in the margin exclaims: the author is clearly a reprobate scoundrel, and must be punished. File under 'Works of Fictitious Nonsense By Disgraced Operatives Subsequently Put To The Torture And Fed To Crocodiles'. No more is known of Ni Huan Shi, but there are other sources that recount the adventures of Assistant Ghost Slayer Wu Qi.

[urbwar]

Cool stuff! I love it!

[Iskander]

Excerpt from the Little Black Scroll of Wu Qi, a salacious manuscript believed by many to be a work of fiction, but as my researches have shown, containing sufficient correlation with imperial records to put their veracity in question once more. - Iskander

"Wu!", "Wu!", "Wu!" is all I hear these days. Sifu doesn't appreciate me at all. He always concentrates on the little things - like that rice man's daughter. She is ugly: I wouldn't risk my staff of life in bed combat with that pig-troll; she might consume him. Sooner or later the girl is going to have to face the reality that she will need enough make-up to plaster the walls of a shrine if she's ever going to get betrothed - or her father's going to have to make a lot more money. Someone ought to tell them.

For some reason Master Li was also mad about the bull-faced fool who thought to challenge me at the rice shop. Why? It's not like I started the fight: too much like hard work. Naturally, I would finish it. His skills were no match for me. With the distraction of that ruddy idiot's Kwan Do, (a substitute for a small member if ever there was one), is it any wonder I got the wrong kind of rice? I was hungry and distracted, but of course, "Wu!", "Wu!", "Wu!", and it's mysteriously all my fault. Guess who has to haul the rice home. Again. At least bull-features short dong had a big purse to cover the incidental expenses.

Of course, that has its benefits! By the time I got near to home, the lovely ladies of the House of Many Veils were awake, and ready for the attentions of mighty Assisant Wu Qi, only the most handsome man in town. I tell you it is a weighty responsibility being the best-looking bachelor in the province (and maybe the Empire). The number of times the ladies of ill-repute want me to show them how it's really done is quite exhausting. (Incidentally, why "ill-repute"? Some of them are very good, you know). It doesn't help that half the town are strict Taoists and won't go near the lovely ladies. Fortunately my staff has enough life for all of them.

Not wanting to make the Veiled Ladies angry, I ran up the side of the House of Many Veils, and with a surpassingly elegant leap, punted the two rice bags through our compound window onto the shelf where they belong. Ha! Sifu will never know I didn't place them there with my own hands. Much easier this way, and it left me plenty of time to engage in a little sport with the ladies. Since there were five of them, I decided to play "Hunt the Wind". East Wind was particularly fun today, and South Wind had a new trick to show me, which was interesting. Giving each of the Winds their Dragon Pearl was quite exhausting, but I managed to grant the West Wind her gift just as "Wu!", "Wu!", "Wu!" started up again.

Cunningly, I left by the balcony, while Sifu came indoors, and made it back to the compound where I was diligently sweeping when the Master came home. Alas, I was thinking too much of my mightiest sword, and left my gim with the ladies. Sometimes Master Li really knows what he's doing: he really caught me out this time. The makeup the ladies left on my face may have given it away. His beating would have been worse if he wasn't getting a bit feeble. (Master, if you are reading this, you are sure to beat me anyway, but I must say: you are still a very puissant ghost slayer, no doubt, but your sword arm is getting a bit weak. Time to pass on the reins to younger, stronger assistants, maybe, neh?)

So, Master Li's great rival Sore Loser and some pal of his called Number Two (who interrupted my drinking earlier, the scoundrel) were at the compound. There's some problem with Mortician Chang that I wasn't really paying attention to because the beating was a little sore (only a little, he's really not as strong as he used to be, you know). I bet you a wineskin to a cup there some damn qing-shi problem again. Man, I wish these people would stay dead. When I'm dead, I think I'm going to need the rest. I'm not getting out of my nice earthy bed for anyone.

When Loser and No. 2 had gone, Master told me a surprise. Unfortunately it involved more work for yours truly. Again. Apparently Ho the baker isn't restless in his grave. I know I would be if I thought his sour-faced wife was going to be interred next to me. The way she nagged Sifu, it's no wonder that Ho went to his grave early. The only surprise is that he hasn't hopped off to another province to get away from her voice. Anyway, great Assistant Wu Qi has to pack up the portable shrine (which seems to be getting heavier and heavier - if only Master Li was less successful, maybe he'd use less bling on the shrine), and off we set to the graveyard at night.

It being night, I'm all for doing what I'm supposed to be doing at night: sleeping. But the nearest grave was disgracefully neglected. I really shouldn't have bothered Sifu pointing out the disgrace, because of course the next thing is "Wu!", "Wu!", "Wu!", and there I am cleaning off the gravestone and doing the old ritual thing. Master Li is so fussy about these rituals. Nothing I do is good enough for him. I use a very serious tone of voice, and make all sorts of important looking gestures, but he keeps nagging on about the details. Sure, sure, I say, and do the ritual again, only now there's some bad weather on the way, which threw me off my game a little, I think. Obviously the negative energy that Master was directing at me didn't help the graveyard vibe.

Sifu totally overreacted if you ask me. The next thing I know, he's shaking and droning and then he practically explodes with light and clears away the thunderstorm. (Neat trick to improve the weather. I must remember to try it next time the Veiled Ladies invite me for a picnic). Of course, the big flash of light attracted quite a lot of attention, and sure enough Loser and No. 2 showed up to find out what was going on. It turns out that the grave was No. 2's aunt, so he shut up pretty quick when we explained what a shocking state it had been in, and then we all went for a quick drink and a dumpling to recover from all the effort.

The others were gabbing on about qing-shi and winding up old Mao Zhi (who's always good company for a swift cup of wine), when a lady of considerable assets and negligible virtue drifted daintily past our table, quite deliberately catching my eye. I wasn't surprised of course: I am the best looking man for hundreds of li, so it's small wonder that a visiting lady looking to see what our province has to offer should pay a visit to Assistant Wu Qi and his great staff. My assessment proved accurate, as the target let slip one of her veils, leaving the restaurant. Excusing myself to take a dump (I have led Master Li to believe that I am very constipated, which gives me extra time for napping. Nothing could be further from the truth, of course, I am as regular as the seasons), I pursued my willing prey with her trophy already in my hands.

The 'dropped veil' is a classic pretext that must be universal across the empire. This lady certainly played her part well, and 'allowed' me to escort her home. After all, Kwan Fau is dangerous at nights, don't you know? I must have had a bit more to drink than I thought, though, because when we got to her sumptuous mansion, I would have sworn for a moment that it looked like a run-down old dump. Fortunately, my head was clear when I went in to join the lady 'for a cup of tea'. Ha. While she was off making preparations for the tea, I took advantage of her absence to use Wu Qi's Herbal Remedy #1, just to make sure the wine didn't interfere with my staff of chi, which had already seen a lot of exercise that day. Master Li's herbal teaching is good for something, at least.

The remainder of this scroll is too short to contain an adequate description of my prowess with the mystery lady, so I will set my brush down for now, until I can sneak out and get another scroll.

Here, the scroll ends. In the interests of delicacy some of the more detailed descriptions of the game of "Hunt the Winds" have been elided. A fully-illustrated, limited edition print of the complete collection of Wu Qi's Little Black Scrolls will be available in translation any day now, at a very reasonable price, just as soon as the decency laws are changed.

[urbwar]

That was hilarious! I stand in awe once more of your superior Kung Fu

Oh yeah, I started a thread on the AFMBE forums Eden Studios runs, and had to link to this thread, so people can read up on the hilarious (and amorous) adventures of Wu Qi)

[cawshis]

Just. Perfect! Iskander, you are most excellent!